Clean up the Sabertooth
by ColdFusion180
Summary: Sabertooth's hygienic status has become unbearable so the Acolytes are assigned to do something about it.


**Clean up the Sabertooth**

"You gotta be kidding me," Remy blinked in disbelief.

"I don't wanna do it," Pyro whined.

"Is this really necessary?" Piotr asked.

"Listen you idiots," Magneto growled as he stood before the three Acolytes in the Control Room. "I think we all agree Sabertooth's condition has become intolerable. I can't stand being in the same room with him anymore. And since I can't rely on him to solve the problem on his own it's up to you fools to do something about it!"

"But why us?" Pyro asked. "It's not our fault he stinks worse than a dead skunk."

"Yes. He is the one always walking around covered in dirt and blood and old sweat," Piotr pointed out. "He should deal with it."

"Yeah. How hard can it be for the Furball to take a decent shower?" Remy scoffed.

"Very hard since apparently, Sabertooth doesn't know how to use soap, much less shampoo and conditioner," Magneto said. "The most he'll do is climb in fully clothed and rinse himself off for a minute."

"Can't you just order him to use soap?" Remy asked.

"Last time I did that he ran off and it took three days to track him down," Magneto replied. "And when I brought him back he just smelled worse than before."

"Well at least he'd be gone and we wouldn't have to deal with him," Pyro pointed out.

"You're **all** going to deal with him right now. And you'd better not wreck the base in the process. Got it?" Magneto snapped.

"But how are we going to do it?" Piotr asked.

"I don't care! Just clean Sabertooth up and get him to smell decent for a change!" Magneto roared and loudly stomped out of the room.

The Acolytes stood in silence for few moments, contemplating the task ahead. "_Clean up mister Sabertooth?_" They ventured in unison.

"_He's disgusting_," Remy made a face.

"_How uncouth_," Piotr frowned.

"_Mags said we should work together_," Pyro reminded them.

"_Three of a kind_," Remy grinned.

"_Birds of a feather_," Piotr agreed.

"_Now and forever! Wheeeeee!_" They all cheered and headed for one of the storage rooms while singing. "_La la la la la la! La la la la! La la la la la la! La la la la la!_"

"_Clean up the Sabertooth! Spray him with a hose! Wash away the dirt and then, aim it up his nose!_" The hallways echoed with the sound of their laughter.

"_First we're going to get some soap, shampoo, detergent, bleach and rope_," Remy said as they reached the storage room and stocked up on supplies. "_Then we'll go a-hunting till we spot him and tie up the dope!_"

"_Wait! I've got a better plan to clean up this old feral man!_" Pyro chirped as they set things up. "_Let's pop him in a boiling pot, and when he's done we'll lather him up!_"

"_Clean up the Sabertooth! Hang him upside-down! Dunk him in a vat of bleach, then go watch him drown!_" Armed with cleaning supplies, the Acolytes ran out of the storage room in search of their target.

"_Then stupid, mean old Magneto_," Remy waved around a long handled scrub brush.

"_Can decide when to let him go_," Pyro chimed in.

"_He'll be so pleased, I do declare_," Piotr joined them as well. "_That he will leave him there! Wheeeeee!_"

"What the heck is going on out here?" Sabertooth growled appearing in the hallway. "Are you idiots singing again?"

"There he is!" Pyro shouted.

"Get him!" Remy yelled charging forward.

"What the…AAAHHHHHH!" Sabertooth screamed as he was set upon by his teammates. He tried to put up a fight, but was caught by surprise and quickly tied up.

"Alright! Let's go!" Pyro cheered as Piotr proceeded to drag Sabertooth away.

"What's going on? Do you idiots have a death wish?" Sabertooth snarled and tried to break free. "Let me go!"

"Too late Sabes. You had your chance. Now you're ours!" Remy grinned evilly.

"Yeah!" Pyro began to laugh maniacally. "_I say that we get some lumber, make a big 'ol pyre and then, throw on Sabes with lots of petrol, then set the whole thing on fire!_"

"WHAT?!" Sabertooth shouted.

"_You're so stupid, think now! If we burn him up to smithereens, we may lose some pieces and then Mags will beat us black and green!_" Remy snapped and whacked Pyro on the head with the scrub brush.

"I don't know what's going on, but you fools are gonna…oh no," Sabertooth gulped as Piotr dragged him into the storage room where they had set up a large washtub filled with water. "Not that! Anything but that! Noooooo!"

"_Clean up the Sabertooth! Toss him in the tub! Cover him with soap and then, go ahead and scrub!_" The Acolytes sang happily as they threw Sabertooth into the waiting washtub.

"BLUB-ULUB-ULUB!" Sabertooth sputtered as he was submerged and set upon by large scrubbing brushes. "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!"

"_Because stupid, mean old Magneto ordered that it should be done!_" Remy and Pyro informed him while splashing soap into his eyes. "_We didn't want to at first but, it's a lot of fun!_"

"GAAAHHHHHH!" Sabertooth screamed before being dunked underwater once again.

"_He'll be so pleased by our success_," Piotr noted while pouring a whole bottle of shampoo onto Sabertooth's head. "_That he'll reward us too, I'll bet!_"

"AAARRRGGGHHH! NOT LAVANDER SCENTED! NOOOOOO!" Sabertooth wailed as the shampoo was worked into his hair.

_"Perhaps he'll reach into his stash_," The Acolytes' eyes twinkled in delight. "_And give us cold hard cash! Mmmmmm!_"

"AAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Sabertooth screamed as Remy smothered him in liquid bleach.

"_We're his young Acolytes and our scorn of him we hide_," Remy, Pyro and Piotr chanted. "_We rarely ever please him, for he lacks a real good side!_"

"_I wish my cohorts weren't so dumb_," Remy muttered.

"_I'm not the dumb one_," Piotr protested.

"_You're no fun!_" Pyro snuck out his tongue.

"_Shut up!_" Remy snapped.

"_Make me!_" Pyro shoved him.

"_I've got something, listen now!_" Remy shouted holding up a large box. "_This one is real good, just wait! We'll coat him well with eighteen pounds of sodium percarbonate!_"

"WAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!" Sabertooth spat as Remy dumped the entire box on his head, making him look like a diseased snowman.

"_Now tons of hot water we'll add until a low viscosity, ensures to wash out all that's bad, and then we'll rinse him, one, two, three!_" Remy smirked and signaled Piotr to pour a barrel of boiling hot water into the tub.

"YEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW! HOT! HOT! HOT!" Sabertooth shrieked as his skin blistered and turned pink.

"_Clean up the Sabertooth! Have him smell real nice! Coat his hair with silicone, to kill all the lice!_" The Acolytes sang as they scrubbed Sabertooth's hide with their brushes.

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I DON'T HAVE LICE!" Sabertooth shouted. "HEY WATCH THE EYES!"

"_Clean up the Sabertooth! Sanitize his brain! Have him take a daily bath, watch him go insane!_"

"DAILY?! NOOOOOO!" Sabertooth screamed in terror.

"_Clean up the Sabertooth! Spin him till he's dry! Don't fret about killing him! He's too mean to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!_" The Acolytes sang with glee as they undid Sabertooth's bonds and dumped him out of the tub.

"Gaaarrrhhh!" Sabertooth sputtered as he slowly got to his feet, soaking wet and with his boots making loud squishing sounds on the metal floor.

"There. You're done!" Pyro chirped happily. "All nice and clean and fresh!"

"He does smell a lot better," Piotr noted taking a few sniffs.

"Now if we could only find a way to improve his looks," Remy quipped.

"Grrrrrr!" Sabertooth bared his teeth dangerously and gave them a death glare. "I'm gonna get you all for this!"

"Hey, Mags told us we had to do it, so we did it," Remy explained.

"Well why don't you go find a way to bother and annoy him then?" Sabertooth grunted.

Remy, Pyro and Piotr stared at him for a moment. "_Annoy mister Magneto?_" They turned and grinned at each other.

"_Sounds like fun!_" Remy smirked.

"_Come on, let's go!_" Pyro cheered and headed for the door.

"Huh?" Sabertooth blinked and looked at them. "What the…?"

"_Let's keep on working together_," Piotr smiled.

"_Three of a kind_!" Remy laughed.

"_Birds of a feather_!" Pyro chirped.

"_Now and forever! Wheeeeee!_" The Acolytes cheered as they ran out of the room intent on unleashing chaos. "_La la la la la la! La la la la! La la la la la la! La la la la la!_"

"Oh no," Sabertooth groaned and held a hand to his head. "Here we go again..."

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the song "Kidnap the Sandy Claws".**


End file.
